well , yes. centering prayer for years now, i listen to carl arico’s prayer on tthe app , ending with “responding to God’s love  for us moment  by moment by moment by moment”..

at the beginning of Advent last year, i decided that i would let God tell me in each  moment what to do, instead  of depending on habitual sequences of thoughts, emotions and actions. at first, it seemed like i was flinging myself from pillar to post. it was a perfect set up for what was to  come in march of this year. i had to give up my precious open studio and all my friends. most dont use a computer(not advantaged).

now i find myself choosing  to slow down on a massive  scale. i had minor surgery  a few weeks ago that has been slow in healing. in trying  to “do”a lot, including reaching out to others, i had a day full of minor accidents at home involving reopened wounds . i didnt really believe old age was really in the cards for me. but alas, it is here. my husband fell and threw out  his back on the same day. how humiliating. how appropriate. how i need to let go of that protestant ethic of always  having to produce something, in  my mother’s words “earn my bed and board.”

so i am on that thomas merton train : “lord, i have no idea where i am going…”

susan, i see what you mean. i have  been paricipating in compassionate listening workshops during this time. one concern has been about white privelige, how we can  grow in our thinking and attitudes. in the end we want to make our culture more loving . i find myself called to those who are set in their ways against the “other”. they are all around me. they are spiritually poor. they are afraid and that manifests itself in anger. in greivance. they are unable to be open  because they are so afraid. they cant articulate their  feelings so they post things on the internet that seem extreme (to  me), out of character for  the people who i know seek to be good  , to be kind.

so i sympathize with the virgins who were  so preoccupied with their own concerns that they “forgot” to get more oil.

ah, what a great image for our life calling….waiting

in the morning , as i go to my chair to do centering prayer, it’s  as if there are monkeys having a dance party in my head. the bodily felt sense there is something to behold.

then there is a steady image of myself as a busker on a knife’s edge.

being called to hold vigil each moment of each day is a constant theme underneath the noise.

The editorial says: our long national nightmare is over. truly, there is no closure on this side. i commit to waiting through the good dreams and the nightmares. doing the next , most loving thing. all the celebration and teeth-gnashing recedes to the background.

just being here waiting. waiting for God to fill the emptiiness  i am holding open for Him.

every centering prayer session is an opportunity to sweep out the selfish cencerns in my consciousness and make a warm and  welcoming place for the other. just slowing everything way down over those 20 minutes is traing me to be mindful throughout the day. i am consciously readying myself for whoever or whatever enters my space. this morning , it was an inky black sky with an ethereal cloud floating in it.  out come the paints, and it came to life on paper.

it is helping that i am practicing and learning compassionate listening remotely. how wonderful to (finally) know that people are whole and complete at their core and i dont need to say more in response to people other than appreciation. having had plenty of counseling, the practice of just listening without feedback is a gamechanger.

how can i be so blessed?

pam , i don’t know how you do it, but your selection of readings is so powerful. i read word of the week sunday morning and then forgot during the day. in the middle of the night i woke up for a long time and reviewed all the ways God is present to me when i open to what is on my plate. He gentles me in such a visceral way. the way is thru, not around . at 5 am i went back to sleep and had a nightmare. the next night i had another bad dream. but the direction i got from those dreams is valuable: being ready to pack up and go at a moment’s notice, and having oil for my lamp and having it lit. my daily intention is stewarding my energy and mental space to respondd to what God is calling me to. I want to be of service at this time and want to be ready.
so, thank you . thank you. thank you.

i wonder if the great ideological divide in our country and our church might be a collective way of displacement of angst….anxiety over  our lack of control  over our lives, and how our security is threatened . it certainly mitigates against the attachment to affection and esteem  we so want, unless we are trying to find it in our tribe.

this morning i am led  to just be with the discomfiting state, rather than seek to make theories about it and lay blame.

whew! God is good!

my reflection above ended with “wish me luck”. well my attempt  to speak from the heart totally backfired. the speech went through the false self to somebody else’s’ false self and feelings were hurt!

i guess “luck” was the wrong word to use.

going to the heart level as i return  to god throughout the day seems a good way to disengage from any commentaries about who ( i think) i am. of course each day,  i cobble together a self to function but it is not real , just a facsimile.

• so, my intention is ro listen  from the heart, speak from the heart and act from that wordless place within.

wish me luck!

alita, holding you in prayer

All week i have been pondering this topic. it occupied a few pages of my journal. what  i have dicovered is that i can choose to be present to another person, accompanying them, if you will, without seeking connection. it isn’t in any way treating the other as an object of sympathy, but just being open to what they want to express and to what gifts i may find there. basically, it is choosing to take myself out of the equation.

it is for me, like beginning my life all over again. kathy

i am asked to rest in the space between hope and despair…just being here, now with what is as it is.

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